Appearances Can Deceive

It's Saturday morning.  My husband and I both awoke about 6:30.  We listened to a quiet house and talked about the crazy dreams we had last night.  My husband's dream had him out in the yard, vacuuming the grass.  He broke the vacuum cleaner hose and I told him he'd have to fix it.  His answer was "Super Glue!"  Naturally, he had to go to the store to get it.  He gets to Fred Meyers and has to buy an iced coffee.  Heading for the Super Glue, sipping his coffee, he suddenly remembers he had some Super Glue in his tool box at home.  Sounds a lot like real life, if you ask me.

I suddenly and enthusiastically said,   "This is the perfect time for you to have 10 minutes of my unconditional positive regard."   Of course, this is a conversation stopper.  Sometimes you just can't come on that strong. He blinks in silence and then says, "Hmm,  I don't have anything to say."   I wait a few seconds and since I love to fill silence with words, I begin to chatter about the book I've been reading, what I plan to do today, etc.    He lays there smiling at me in silence, letting my words wash over him.

I pause for air and come to my senses.  I say to him, "This was suppose to be your time.  I'm supposed to listen to you."  He replies, "It has been my 10 minutes.  I'm enjoying listening to you."  Spoken like a true diplomat.  In this case, I also believe he was being entirely sincere.

On the surface these 10 minutes seemed to be all mine.  I was doing the talking.  I got up and started coffee. As I scooped coffee into the coffee maker, I realized that it was a good Just 10 for my husband.  It was a 10 minutes in which his talkative wife shared with him little details of her life.  That sharing allowed him to feel needed.  It let him enjoy my company.   It told him that I feel comfortable enough with him that I can chatter about the little details of life as we lie together on a Saturday morning.   

Just 10 isn't just listening.  It's purpose is to really share who we are with each other.  Not every conversation is about  important things.  Sharing the little things makes it easier to have the important conversations.  It establishes a connection, a pattern of communication.  It opens the door to those more important and often more difficult conversations.  Conversations that take us to a deeper, more intimate place.  We can not get to that deeper place if we haven't invested the time to talk to each other about the little things. 

The morning chatter about our silly dreams, my plans for the day, seems insignificant.  Yet, it was important.  Today's Just 10 was time well spent for both of us.


(This is one of the books I'm currently reading.  I shared bits and pieces of this book with my husband this morning.)

Keeping It Simple

During my Just 10 today, I couldn't wait to think about this and then write about it.    I keep running into the fact that often I make life a lot more complicated than it is.  When I relax life gets easier.  Things flow more smoothly. What's outside of my control becomes evident and less troublesome.  I remember to breathe and pace myself.  Things that seem hard become less so.  It's as if my psyche has taken a radical shift and entered another world.    I'm sure some people have already figured this out, people like Buddha, Jesus, the Dali Lama, and maybe my dear friend, Sheila.  For me, this is a relatively recent discovery.

Playing Super Mario, I've tried so hard to keep my character, Luigi, alive which usually resulted in my certain death or at least bubble entrapment.   When I relaxed and didn't try so hard, I found myself bouncing along, avoiding danger, conquering my enemies, gaining the flying helmet, obtaining the ice flower.   During these successful phases, I wasn't consciously trying I was just being, forgetting about myself and what I should or shouldn't do.  I was just going with the game.

I couldn't ignore the parallels to my real life.   When I'm trying too hard, the problems that arise are unwelcome enemies.  When I relax, problems are easier to handle.  Occasionally, they open new doors.   They are less unwelcome enemies and more helpful guides on this journey.  The serious problems still get my attention, but the little ones. .  .when I'm in my "zen"- frame-of-mind, I just skip right over them and go on my  way.  The game of life becomes a lot more fun and a lot easier.  Those big problems become part of the game.  Unavoidable, normal, I don't blame myself.   If I contributed to the problem, then it's important to learn what to do differently the next time and I promise you there will be a next time.  My strategy is to figure out how to solve it, get past it, climb over it, learn to love it, or if I can't love it, to simply accept it. 

When I was younger, I had the false notion that problems reflected by own imperfections or failures.  If I was smart enough or good enough, my life should be problem free.  (Note the word, should.  It indicates a big problem.)  Life was a game of Russian Roulette and I was forced to play it by all the "shoulds" that were crushing me.  I was not having a good time.  I was afraid of almost everything and every one.

Life is more like this silly Mario game.    There are levels.  Sometimes you get through a lot of levels and other days you're stuck in the same one.  Practice makes it easier to play well.  There is a beginning, middle and end.   If you don't start, you won't get anywhere.   There are obstacles and other entities causing trouble.  These are things you try and avoid.   There are a few "people" that actually help you and make you stronger.  Sometimes you get to fly.  Sometimes you get trapped in a bubble and wait for rescue by another.  Eventually, you die and that game is over, but just for you.  The others keep going until they finally die. 

If life is a game, I'm going to chose the one that is most fun.  Learning to accept what is and still have a good time can only be achieved, if I learn to relax and just go with it.    When I relax, those countless "must-dos" during a normal day become easier.  I spend less time complaining about them and more time just doing them. And, that gives me more time to do what I enjoy, like Just 10's or writing blogs and talking to you.   In that relaxed state, what is painful is easier to handle.  It doesn't hurt as much.  It doesn't ruin my day.  Who would have thought that playing a simple video game with my son could teach me so much?

Just Play

In addition to Just 10 time with family members, I also try to find time to just play.  Lately, we've been using the promise of some video game time with mom or dad as a motivator for my son.  When Andrew has completed his morning tasks and is ready for the bus, we play Super Mario Bros.  I bet you can guess who is good at it and who is always dying.

We have to limit his game time so he doesn't overdo it.  So earning game time in the morning is a big deal.  I've also noticed another benefit.  Since he is better at these games than I am, he gets to feel empowered.  He can enjoy the fact that he is better at something than his parents.  That has to feel good to a boy who is easily frustrated by the "glitches" in a normal day.

Andrew's world view is colored by Aspergers and his unique perspective.  Subtle shades of gray and layers of meaning often escape his detection.  A simple glitch, like toothpaste on his shirt or the bus coming two minutes early can elicit a meltdown.  To him it feels like the end of the world.

We see a lot of drama over the little things so we spend a lot of time reframing, helping him see minor problems for what they are.  While I'm helping Andrew, he is also teaching me.  I learn as much or more than he does.  He has taught me patience, perserverance and the importance of thinking outside the box.  As I try and encourage him to be a "flexible thinker" he is making me be one.

What seems like just playing video games is actually a lot more.  He can enjoy his superior game skills when compared to the much older and hopefully a bit wiser, mom.  We're working on perserverance and delaying gratification as we help him earn this special play time.  My having to work so hard to keep my character from dying really helps me empathize with how he must feel when he struggles to do something that is hard for him. 

While we are just having fun, we're also accomplishing a lot more. Some days, Just 10 time can be rather intense.  Taking time to just play is just important.

Project Inspire

Projects are a passion of mine.  I usually have at least 5 or 6 going at one time, some tiny, some big.  It's no wonder I love Jeffrey Yamaguchi's http://52projects.com/.  (You can find the the original 52 projects heading in a side bar on the right, if you're interested in how it began.)

Yamaguchi is also the author of 52 Projects: Random Acts of Everyday Creativity.

Here's the link to the book on Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/52-Projects-Everyday-Creativity-Perigee/dp/B000FKP9WY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1274903310&sr=8-1

Early in the book, the author lists the benefits of projects.  Many of these benefits apply to my own Just 10 project.  I'm listing many of these reasons below just as stated in his book.  The comments in parentheses are all me.

1.)  Projects are a major source of energy.  (i.e. projects energize.  Just thinking about Just 10 gets me "jazzed.")

2.)  Projects can make you feel better about yourself.  (Knowing that I've given my family quality time feels good.)

3)  Projects can make your close friends and family feel special.  (Yes!)

4.)  Just like the projects of others inspire you, your projects inspire others.  (I am so committed to the Just 10 project that I'm willing to expose myself to others in hopes that once in a while someone can find a crumb of inspiration.)

5.)  Projects help you overcome the fear of failure.  (I've failed so many times over the years that it has gotten a lot easier to fail.)

6.)  Projects help you deal with insecurity.  (The Just 10 project makes me feel like a more capable person and parent.)

7.)  Projects lead to self discovery.  (Wow, this says so much.)

8.)  Projects enhance your skills and talents.  (I'm better than I was yesterday and look forward to being even better tomorrow.)

9.)  Projects give you a sense of accomplishment.  (Completing one feels great.)

10.)  Projects help you come up with even more project ideas.  (I'm mentally working on something I call the Smile Project.  Stay tuned.)

My big and small projects give me purpose and a sense of worth especially at those times when life is challenging and my soul is weary.  They ground me in what I believe to be most important, the simple work of my hands, using time wisely, learning new skills, having fun or showing my love for the people in my life.

The Just 10 project restores my soul.  At the end of the day, when I've taken time to really be with those special people in my life and have given them the gift of unconditional positive regard, I am filled with a sense of peace and accomplishment.  This is a peace I wish for others.  Try Just 10 at home.  I'm sure it will be one of the best times of your day.

I'm a Fun Mom and Don't You Forget It.

The Just 10 project is opening more than my mind.  It's also opening my heart.  I'm beginning to see and hear things that lead to feelings of warmth and love that have long lain asleep inside me.

Yesterday, our breakfast conversation gave me the opportunity to say, "I'm  a fun mom and don't you forget it" to both my children.  I said it with a mock threatening tone for humor.  Neither of my children found it ironic.  Straight-faced, my daughter looked at me and said, "You are a fun, mom.  I already know that."  My son chimed in and said, "Yes, you are."  I paused for a few seconds and then said, "Yes, I am aren't I?"  I couldn't deny it any longer.

Many days I have my doubts.  I'm not always fun.  I can be really grumpy and once in a while even mean.  I often feel very insecure as a parent, full of doubt about my choices or parenting style.  There are so many experts giving parents advice that I can get confused.   Someone always has an opinion on how to raise children and many freely share advice even when no one has asked.    Sometimes I'm full of advice for others.  Times like that I'm betraying my fear that I'm not good enough.  The truth is I am. 

 All the books in the world mean nothing on those days when you're deep in the trenches of parenthood and doubting your ability to be a good enough parent.  Or worse yet, those days when you know you've messed up and haven't made the best decision.   Kids don't come with instructions and even if they did, we probably couldn't figure out half of them.  That is the way it is.  It's part of being a parent.  The uncertainty, the self-doubt, the worry, the fear.  They are all part of the package when one signs up for the parent job.  The best and the worst job you'll ever have all at the same time.

It's messy.  I'll blow it again and again.  I'll doubt.  I'll  yell.  I'll cry.  I'll worry.  It's all part of the job.  I can't be a fun parent if I don't allow myself the room to mess up, to make mistakes and to feel the results of those mistakes.  It's part of being a parent in this flawed world of ours.  If I relax and give myself the freedom to make mistakes, my children can begin to see that it's ok for them to make mistakes too.  They'll see what really matters is that you pick yourself up and try again.  And, some day when they're grown with families of their own, they'll be talking around the breakfast table,  when one of their children says something simple yet true, that makes everything worthwhile.

What Home Really Is

Since the days in our house are probably limited, I've taken time in my daily Just 10 to ponder what "home" really means.  The things I most love about our house are the people and the memories.  Home is more a state of mind than a place.

There are many things I love about my house.  I love my kitchen because of the meals and laughter we've shared with family and friends.  I love my oven because it allowed me to bake cookies for my family.  Cookies that make them smile and say, "Mmmmm."    I love my kitchen sink because of the friends that have talked and laughed with me as we cleaned up after a feast.  Who needs a dishwasher?

I love the living room where I've sat waiting for my family to return after a day at work or school.  In the family room, we've laughed so hard I cried over something we were watching together on TV.   We cried when we watched Marley and we cried together.   We've played board games, worked on crafts, talked about our problems,  did homework, shared our victories, the big and the small, in this house.  And we have been together.

I love the bedrooms.  I've lain awake when everyone was asleep and felt love for my sleeping family.  I've tiptoed in each of my children's rooms to check on them at 2 in the morning.  In the quiet darkness, I experience the world as better place because they are in it.

If the walls of this house were to dissolve tomorrow, we would remain.  The laughter, tears, joy, and trials would remain.   This is only our home as long as we're in it.  If and when we leave this house behind, we will find a home where ever we are.  We'll make new memories.  We'll learn new things.  It won't matter that I never got to paint this or that room this or that color or that I never refinished the deck.   The fact that my bathroom towels didn't match or that my kitchen floor often needed a good sweeping won't matter.  Those things don't really matter now.

All the money in the world can't buy a home.  A home is made when the people that live inside it love each other.  Today, that is really all that matters.  I am home.  I am with my family.

Blowing It

Since I've been candid about some of the successes of the Just 10 project, I need to also admit that some days I really blow it.

Yesterday, I had every intention of spending Just 10 with each of my children.  The day was rapidly slipping away.  I was more tired than usual.  The the proverbial "stuff" hit the fan.  I reacted instead of responded.

My husband and I have given our kids a regular schedule.  We eat together at about the same time every day.  They have a set bedtime and a time to brush teeth, etc.  They have a rotating chore assignments.  Despite all this predictability, they still need to be prompted and goaded and sometimes threatened before we gain compliance.  Yes, I know that some of this comes with being a kid and yes, I too often was guilty of mutiny when I was a child.   Combine their lack of compliance, with my fatigue and the formula for mommy melt down has been achieved.

I' m not proud of it.  In fact, I hate it when I loose my temper.  I know that a lot of my anger was fueled by fear. I worry that my children won't be self-sufficient, that they won't have learned perseverance and responsibility.   Everyday I work with teenagers.  I've learned a lot about what to do and what not to do with my own children.  Last night I felt like a miserable failure. All my chore charts, pep talks, Just 10 times, seemed for naught.  Did I overreact?  Yes, absolutely.  Sometimes I just blow it.

Part of me would love to engage in a self-pity party and nurse this feeling of failure.  I fight the urge.  I simply have got to brush myself off and get back up again.  Later today, when my two treasures come home from school, I will apologize to them.  I'll confess my fears and I will tell them what I think it important.  During my private Just 10, I'm going to think up strategies, ways to encourage their participation.  I want to make compliance attractive, at least some of the time.  I have to show them the rewards of following through and build in consequences when they let things slide.  Most importantly, I have to summon the energy to follow-through myself.  I'll bet that my own failure to follow through was at the heart of my melt down. 

Wielding a verbal club, beating them into submission seems a little too barbaric for my taste.  Although at times, it's so attractive because it is so familiar and so gosh darn easy to do.    My job is to help them be self-driven.  It isn't an easy one but I can make it a lot more rewarding by stripping it of all the emotional baggage and really applying all my creative energies to it.  After all, the fuss, the reality is, my children are good kids.  They aren't perfect and neither am I.  Together we are learning how to be better people.  We're not on opposite teams.  They've had their dose of negative attention.  They need the positive experience of a Just 10.    Once again, Just 10 is on top of my to-do list.   I begin again.