Three a.m.

This was begun Friday morning during breakfast and finished Saturday afternoon at the library.

 3:00 a.m.  The clock winks in the dark.  It is still early on Saturday morning.
"Wait!  Is it really Saturday?"
I filter through the sleepy memory of last night's television programs.  I went to bed before 30 Rock began.  It's not Saturday.
It's Friday.
One more day to get through before enjoying the simple act of sleeping in.
I drift back to sleep and awake again at 4:30.

I awaken again at 5:36.
Red numbers pierce my sleep.
In between the numbers, I cram my dreams.
These dreams work hard.  They want to help me adapt to the changes ahead.
They play out different scenarios and begin to change my brain.
Changes filter into my heart and soul while I sleep.
A less than idea future becomes more acceptable.
"It won't be all bad." the dreams say.

Apparently, not every part of me is on board with this idea.  Waking me at 3:00, 4:30 and 5:36 a.m. is part of its game.  It keeps me anxious.  So many things can go wrong.  So many challenges and adjustments to make.  I wonder if I'm up to the task.
"Can I really do this?"  I ask the question and wait for a reply from some where, some one.
I am answered by silence.

"Well, I know what the options are. I tell myself,  "I can do this.  I can let this make me a better person.  I can  rise to the occasion.  I can make this an adventure."
How I want to believe these words.
I think I write them here to convince myself.

Today, I read the dust cover of a new book in the library.  It spoke of the dangers of creating an e-personality.  An e-personality is the persona that some people create online.  It is not an accurate representation of the real person behind the words or image.  It's easy for many people to get lost in this false image of themselves.  It is not genuine.  It hurts more than helps.

At first, I read these words and worry that I am doing this.  Then, I realize that not everything I read is true.  Not every dust cover can define me.  How can it when I struggle daily to define myself?

No words can ever really capture a person.  How can they capture me?

And yet, why shouldn't I try?  If it weren't for my words, my In Just 10 project, I would often lose my way.

My words are a starting point, a launching pad, a port in the storm.  They give me a place to rest and a place to begin again.  They encourage me.  They help me see the best in myself, in my family, in my life.  Words are tools.  With them, I am chiseling stone into a statute.  With them, I am sculpting my life.

I sink into these words and phrases.  They enfold me like a soft warm quilt.  I sleep sounding and awaken after a peaceful night.  Words call me forth.  I rise to their occasion.