Hold on to What You Believe

 
I'm breaking away from Topical Tuesday.  I'm tired of hearing the bad news on TV and reading it splashed across newspapers.  I'm looking for the good, for things I can pin my hopes on.  . . .


"But we're young, open flowers in the windy fields
of this war-torn world. . ."


The problems of the world press down on me.  My heart is heavy.   My mind struggles with the weight of reality.    I'm Atlas holding up the world.  It hurts.  I stagger. And yet, . . .

Last night at the weekly Mary Kay meeting, I won one of the raffles prizes.  Satin Hands, a new lipstick named "Give Hope",  Lavish Sable fingernail polish. . .all the things girls love.  They came in a smartly dressed coffee cup with one word printed on both sides, "Hope."  Hope was the theme of the evening.  I let it carry me away as I rested gently in its arms.

It was the thing I needed most.  It came as a surprise gift of that impish serendipity.  I spent my morning running errands, applying for a temp job, visiting the employment office.  I come home to write while listening to music.  It's soothes the savage heart, you know.  I find the song posted here. Pure chance?  Maybe. . . but just maybe "when the student is ready the teacher appears."   I open my arms to welcome hope with a warm hug.  Hope seems to be everywhere lately.

In between the melancholy elements of this song, hope shines.  Despite avoidance, denial, and escape, one can learn to question: "So what if I was wrong".  I can learn to find what is missing in what I already have.  I can hold on.  Hope is reaching out to me today.  I am young.  "I am an open flower in a windy field of a war-torn world."  Hope.  What a lovely virtue. "Hold on to what you believe."



"Hold On To What You Believe"

I, I can't promise you
that I won't let you down
And I, I can't promise you
that I will be the only one around
when your hope falls down

But we're young, open flowers in the windy fields
of this war-torn world
And love, this city breathes the plague
of loving things more than their creators

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land means less and less to me
without you breathing through its trees
At every turn the water runs away from me
and the halo disappears
and the hole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

So hold on to what you believed in the light

Too Small

It's been a struggle to write about my weight loss challenge.  This morning, it became obvious why this was true.  It's too small a topic.  It's still a great thing to strive for and my efforts will continue but it just wasn't inspiring me to write.

This morning, I watched a documentary that I'd checked out of the local library.  It was entitled Beyond Our Differences.  I listened to it while copying recipes out of a vegan cookbook.  Part of me was busy resisting its message.  The universe seemed to have other ideas.

The challenge of losing weight is just one of many challenges that I currently face.  It's obvious that the loss of our home is inevitable.  We wait for the official notice, as do so many other Americans.   My job will most likely end with the school year, if not before.  My husband still looks for steady work as he has for the last five years.  Our son is having trouble at school.  Our efforts to impact the situation and improve the conditions for him have been unsuccessful so far.  I want to homeschool both our children but the necessity of finding work, and some kind of shelter is the priority.  Most of the things I think I want in life seem to lie just beyond my grasp.  I'm stuck in survival mode.  Finding the courage to persevere isn't easy.

My life has felt without purpose.  While I have remained dedicated to my children and to my husband, I have also suffered.  I've experienced a life that is too small.  Finding meaning when so many things beyond my control have reduced my hopes and dreams to microscopic particles that I can no longer see with the naked eye has been very difficult.  

Once I was a religious person.  I am no longer.  A spiritual kernel still remains.   Today, as I watched a documentary about transcending our limitations and differences and entering a "place" of peaceful coexistence that uses love as a guiding principle, I understood my place for the first time in a long time.

My life must be a bridge to hope.  When I feel small, I must remember that love is the guiding principle and it is a principle that can be applied no matter what the life circumstances. Love, how it impacts a life, how it impacts others and how it is the only force that will effectively impact the world is a huge topic about which to write.  It's also a huge challenge to live. 

It's easy to get lost in the dirt and grime of daily life and the challenges of some very real and difficult problems.  Figuring out one's meaning and sense of purpose and how an abstract thing like love can translate into daily life is very difficult.  I, who have lost my way, now cling to this challenge.  It's about the only thing that makes sense.  I am determined to take my "too small" life and live it as large as possible.  There should be a wealth of stories ahead as I struggle to be a bridge to hope and to love.