Bull

During my Just 10 walk this morning, I waited for inspiration but it was a stranger.  Often, I'm the ditch that words flow through.  Today, the ditch seemed dry.  I want to panic.  What if I never have anything to write about again?   The zen master, hidden deep within, says quietly,  "Relax."  Worry seems to take too much effort as I step off the miles.  Suddenly, I am calling myself, "the emotional bull in the china shop."  I thrash about without thinking.  I knock things over that I have to pay for later.  Where is this image coming from and why?

My stomach has been in knots since returning from a visit to my mothers.  It was a pleasant visit.  My mind doesn't understand why my stomach is telling me that something is wrong.  The more I walk, the more I ponder this.  My mother and I don't have a  very close relationship.  I think it's because I am a bull, an emotional bull.  Stubborn, casting words about freely, paying for things later,   I often come on strong.  Mom is often intimidated by my emotional size.  I have always had the ability to blurt out things that seem to pierce to the heart of the matter.  I can leave people blinking, speechless and sometimes crushed by my words.  It is often unintentional, this bullish manner.  It is a part of who I am.  When I was young, I hadn't learn to corral this bull.  It's fierce kicks often wounded the people closest to me.  I hurt them and they became afraid.  

For the first time, I can see this.  I know it to be part of the truth.  I have played a part in the complicated and often distant dynamic between mother and daughter.  I know for the first time, how my mother might have felt.  I do not give her complete absolution for her flaws but neither do I give myself that absolution.  We each must pay the price.   I see how complicated parent/child relationships are.  I see how our temperaments interact in interesting ways.  I see each of us bringing a history of hurt to how we interact now. 

I do not visit my mother with great frequency although she lives within easy driving distance.  I have been convinced that this is what she prefers.  Our recent visit made me question all that.  I feel guilty.  I have deprived her of my company.  I am the eldest.  I know many of the people she knows or did know.  In some ways our lives are more intertwined and alike than I've ever wanted to admit.  We share many hobbies in common.  We, who have seemed so different may be the most alike.

I understand the need to forgive myself for past transgressions.  More importantly,  that forgiveness needs to extend to others.  I need to forgive mom even if she can't forgive me.  It's up to me to allow the bull in me to express itself when it can't harm anyone or anything.  It's time to corral it's bullish power and tame it, to use it for good, not harm. 

As I step off the miles,  I feel the dew of my physical exertion dampen my collar and the hair under my cap.  The perspiration feels good as the morning breeze washes over me.  I've wrestled with the angel and I have won.  My stomach is calm.  Another day begins.