Just Flush It

Those of you with more delicate sensibilities may not want to read today's entry.  It may contain graphic allusions that are not suitable for all readers, especially those very visual thinkers.

First the back story, because every story has one.

A most reluctant, walker started off for my Just 10 walk this morning.  Inside, I was a disgusting mass of hideous self pity.  I seemed to be hopelessly caught in a Sargasso Sea of disappointment, a never ending whirlpool of disgust with no way out.  As I walked, I hoisted myself onto a log in this swirling sea to get a glimpse of what lay in the floating debris.  What I saw there was frightening.  Shame, low self-esteem, recrimination, frustration, fear all came hurtling by.    I let go of the log and slipped into the nasty sea.  I was particularly horrified by the fact that now that my blog is being read and I am often painfully honest.  I began to worry about the impact.  I was full of doubt.  I suddenly shot to the surface.  I know this sea very well.  It is depression.  For me it's wild, ugly and full of garbage.  (Oh, all right, sometimes it's full of sewage.  Are you satified?)  I climbed aboard a jumble of wood bound by sludge and seaweed.  A two-by-four became my oar,  I started rowing.

I was angry that this sea was inside me.  I remember the adage:  "The best revenge is a life well-lived."  I was going to vanquish this foe.  I kept walking, the sea swirling inside me.  I hit the trail one step at a time.  This sad sea gets its strength from my fear.  Resistance gives it power.  I review the events of the last few days, the good and the not-so good.  I'd crawled into the deepest crater of my mind.  I was ignoring my family in a crazy attempt at self-preservation.  It's a bad yet very old habit.  I've been neglecting them.  They aren't getting their Just 10 time.  I have seen a negative result.  They need it as much as I do.

As much as I want to blame myself and focus on failure, I do not want to stir this sea into a greater frenzy.  I know what needs to be done.  I can forgive myself and begin again.  Just 10 doesn't come naturally to me.  I have to work at it.  Out of the blue, I remember what I've told my son when stuck in his own sea of negativity,  "Some times you just have to flush your head."  I've explained that we can get so much bad junk stuck there we make ourselves miserable.  To show him how it's done, I raise my hand along side my head and in one smooth motion flush it.  Of course, I add the whooshing sound side effect for full impact.

I decided to flush my own head but before I could reach up and make goofy sounds, my two eager Mormon missionary boys from the other day come pedaling toward me.  The wise one smiles and pedals on but the second has to take a chance.  Salvation is at stake.  He wants to talk.  I smile politely and say, " no thanks."  I know that I am already saved.  Flushing helped me remember.  I don't feel saved very often but the deepest part of me knows that I am.  Completely, undeserved, I am still saved.  I start to feel better.

Then, for a few seconds, I feel saved.  Peace washes over me.  Flushing must have helped that and the endorphins released by my walk.  It doesn't really matter why or from where.  It is a moment of grace.  I don't want to lose it in questions and thought.  For a few brief seconds, I just am.