Broken

The people who carry the greatest potential for harming others are often those who are the most broken.  A person's broken parts rise up and obscure the truth or rational thought.  Good decisions are lost in a frantic effort to cover their brokenness and try to keep it a secret from the world.  The people who carry the greatest potential for greatness are also those who are the most broken.  Unlike those that harm, this type of broken person has become strong in all the broken places.  They see the brokenness in others and in themselves with clarity.  They touch us in our broken places and we are healed and broken all at once.   They can transform our lives.

Sister Christine walked through time and space like a fragile reed.  My questions in classes would often leave her flustered.  That left me feeling angry and ashamed of myself all at the same time.  She was broken and all her energy went into hiding that fact.  She shouldn't have tried.  Broken was carved on her forehead.

She really tried to assume her new role as Formation Director.  She tried to do a good job but she was confused and lost.  After having a strong mother figure at the helm who made us feel like enchanted children, having someone who desperately needed a mother herself was unsettling.  Of course, Zelda was determined to find a way to push her out.  At least that is what she said.  Zelda often acted like a minor character in a soap opera.  Her paranoia was entertaining, at first.  Zelda was convinced that Sister Christine had something going on with one of the new postulants.  I thought Zelda had to be dreaming or smoking weed out in the Sister's cemetery during her free time. 

At least when Zelda had an enemy, other than myself, my life was a bit easier.  So, I humored her and participated in a stake out of Sister Christine's room to see if the postulant in question would show up.  She did and she didn't come out of the room for hours.  It didn't look good but we still didn't have any proof.  I pointed this out to Zelda who was then determined to build a case.

All the previous intrigue and personality conflicts were minor when compared to the possibility that there was a lesbian relationship between the two women.  At this point, my world began to crack as it began its journey to upside down.  Young and naive, I was convinced this couldn't be happening.  Zelda was often a bit dramatic and not the smartest tool in the shed.  Talented, yes, but smart, no.  She did possess an animal cunning that I envied.  I had always preferred a more direct route.  This would prove my undoing.

About the time, this new possibility was coming to light, Sister Christine also found out she needed a total hysterectomy.  I tried to attribute some of her unusual behavior to hormonal imbalances.    Well, I did try.  The evidence just kept mounting against her.  She did have a special rapport with this postulant, Emily Marie.  Emily Marie had been in a branch of the military.  She gone to high school at the Valley, the girl's school that adjoined the Motherhouse campus.  Emily Marie knew a lot of the Sisters and had been attracted to religious life after she served her time in the military. Emily Marie was earthy and had some real world experience that many of us hadn't had.  She was "close talker" with a nervous giggle.  It hadn't taken long for Zelda to develop an almost instant dislike to her.  Just as quickly, Sister Christine seemed to be enchanted by Emily Marie.   

At this point, I was Sister Mary Carol and Zelda. . was Sister Zelda.  (I doubt there is a religious order any where that has a Sister Zelda but I so love calling my classmate that, I'm using it here.)  We'd made first vows, Zelda and I.  We were wearing the white veil of the first year novice.  Our horarium was so filled with cleaning that we often skipped our time in the chapel for quiet prayer just to get things done.  Being good housekeepers was taking precedence over learning how to pray.  Prayer wasn't something the Sisters provided a lot of guidance in.  It was a "seek-on-your-own" system.  Maybe they felt that God would somehow inspire us as we sat in silent prayer in a quiet chapel.  Often I feel asleep out of exhaustion.  I knew God was cool with my sleeping but I was very afraid that one of the Sisters would catch me and "rat me out."  The walls often had eyes and ears and of course mouths that were all to eager to blab to the person in charge.

That person in charge of Formation was Sister Christine.  The circumstantial evidence continued to mount against her.  We spent more time focusing on what might be happening than anything else.  I finally spilled the beans about our suspicions to my friends, Sister Deborah and Sister Philip.  At first they were as skeptical as I had been.  Soon they were also on the look out for proof.  Collectively, we were planning a coup, hoping to usurp our leader and gain back someone worthy of following.  A basket ball game provided us with personal experience that things were not as they should be.

Sister Christine and Emily Marie like to play basketball for recreation.  Recreation was a time after dinner allotted for Formation Community building.  We all had to do something together.  Not doing it wasn't an option unless we were sick or had some other pressing matter.  Hopelessly non-athletic.  I hated playing basketball.  Previous basketball games had felt a little too touchy feeling.  Big on denial, I had ignored my feelings.  This evening we'd dressed in gym clothes and headed out for the old school gym to play.  Basketball quickly became a breast groping session.  There could be no more denying what was really happening.  No one needs to block with both hands firmly planted on each breast of a fellow player, especially when that player is me.

I yelled  "TIME OUT"
I marched off the court with the basketball and said, 
"That's it, FOUL! 
I looked right at Sister Christine and said,
"You know that's not part of playing basketball.  This is an excuse for body contact and I'm saying, NO!"

I'd drawn my line in the sand.  Little did I know that none of our Superiors would want to hear what I had to say.  I would soon be in major trouble.