Evenfall is another word for twilight or gloaming. It describes the time when day gives in to dusk. A certain slant of light that casts longer and longer shadows until shadows are all that remain. Evenfall also describes the way I've been feeling as I relive the convent years. When several annoying incidents ignited my fuse this last week, I was surprised at how intensely I felt frustration. Trapped in evenfall, I did not connect my retelling of the convent years with my awakened frustration. Trapped in evenfall, it took a while to see the truth.
At first, I attributed my anger and frustration to an odd blend of mid-life endocrine short-circuiting and being a Crusader of Truth and Justice. Alas, super heroes are not real and even if they were, I am not one of them. (Although I'd secretly love to be Wonder Woman. She's got a hot body and fabulous bullet repelling bracelets. Oh, then there is that amazing invisible plane.) I began to step back from the rabid woman I was becoming. (Now we're talking "Bride of Wolfman." Don't think there was one but there should be.) Realizing that my frustration was not proportionate to the event, I had to ask myself some hard questions, mainly,
"What the heck is wrong with me?"
When I began relaying my tale, I went into it knowing that it would stir up old feelings. Yet, when I'm really getting into the story, I start acting out in real life without remembering that fact. Humans capacity for denial is truly amazing. It is one thing I do extremely well. Stumbling around in evenfall, the shadows deepening, I began cursing the darkness.
So, in the hectic days leading to Christmas, I forced myself to take time and really look at how the past was affecting my present. It's a bit like Dickens," Christmas Carol" except that this time the Ghosts of Past and Present were caging fighting in my head. Author of my own life, it was time to put an end to the senseless fighting within. I took pen in hand and wrote out my frustration on pages of notebook paper. Evenfall was over. Night had fallen but I was within a soft white light that carved out a safe spot in the darkness.
The Ghost of the Past stepped out of the darkness and sat with me. It spoke these words.
"The past is over. It is not the now. Don't let me haunt you. Learn from me instead."
The Ghost of My Present joined the past in the light. They had forged a truce for my sake. It told me,
"What is past is past. Don't let it ruin the now. Let the past enrich it."
After visiting with these two ghosts, I was not able to conjure a visit from the Ghost of the Future. Right now the Past and Present are enough and all that I can safely handle. The frustration that had burned so brightly was now only a smoking ember. A peace that is long associated with Christmas filled me instead. The Ghost of the Past and the Ghost of the Present are guiding me home in the evenfall.
This little personal crisis necessitated a personal Just 10 in order to regroup. I'll resume telling the story in my next blog entry.
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