Too Small

It's been a struggle to write about my weight loss challenge.  This morning, it became obvious why this was true.  It's too small a topic.  It's still a great thing to strive for and my efforts will continue but it just wasn't inspiring me to write.

This morning, I watched a documentary that I'd checked out of the local library.  It was entitled Beyond Our Differences.  I listened to it while copying recipes out of a vegan cookbook.  Part of me was busy resisting its message.  The universe seemed to have other ideas.

The challenge of losing weight is just one of many challenges that I currently face.  It's obvious that the loss of our home is inevitable.  We wait for the official notice, as do so many other Americans.   My job will most likely end with the school year, if not before.  My husband still looks for steady work as he has for the last five years.  Our son is having trouble at school.  Our efforts to impact the situation and improve the conditions for him have been unsuccessful so far.  I want to homeschool both our children but the necessity of finding work, and some kind of shelter is the priority.  Most of the things I think I want in life seem to lie just beyond my grasp.  I'm stuck in survival mode.  Finding the courage to persevere isn't easy.

My life has felt without purpose.  While I have remained dedicated to my children and to my husband, I have also suffered.  I've experienced a life that is too small.  Finding meaning when so many things beyond my control have reduced my hopes and dreams to microscopic particles that I can no longer see with the naked eye has been very difficult.  

Once I was a religious person.  I am no longer.  A spiritual kernel still remains.   Today, as I watched a documentary about transcending our limitations and differences and entering a "place" of peaceful coexistence that uses love as a guiding principle, I understood my place for the first time in a long time.

My life must be a bridge to hope.  When I feel small, I must remember that love is the guiding principle and it is a principle that can be applied no matter what the life circumstances. Love, how it impacts a life, how it impacts others and how it is the only force that will effectively impact the world is a huge topic about which to write.  It's also a huge challenge to live. 

It's easy to get lost in the dirt and grime of daily life and the challenges of some very real and difficult problems.  Figuring out one's meaning and sense of purpose and how an abstract thing like love can translate into daily life is very difficult.  I, who have lost my way, now cling to this challenge.  It's about the only thing that makes sense.  I am determined to take my "too small" life and live it as large as possible.  There should be a wealth of stories ahead as I struggle to be a bridge to hope and to love.