Blocked. That was the message I received when I tried to post on my web site. Blocked seems to be the theme lately.
Heading back over to "In Just 10" I rediscover what "In Just 10" was about. I'm ashamed to admit that I had completely forgotten. Total blank. It's time to get back to what I value and to take action to protect it and to increase the joy I am certain will follow by being more attentive to those things that truly matter to me. It requires effort. I wonder if I have the energy.
I'm off course. The wrong things are capturing my attention. Ideas for op/ed pieces roar through my head like hungry lions.
As I try to shake off the mantle of negative energy, I realize that underneath my frustration and anger lies a deep and profound loneliness. No one is more surprised than I to discover it there.
I am desperate to feel useful, essential, connected. Instead I feel a profound disconnect at the deepest level. Maybe this is the nature of grief. Maybe, it is an essential component of change. What ever it's purpose, cause or function, I walk with it now.
My life is rapidly reduced to its basic elements so that I may rebuild again but the process is exquisitely painful and isolating. Reality does have teeth and they are sharp.
I grieve under a great burden, the brokenness and the confusion follows me like a love sick puppy. Insight comes and goes with a brutal randomness. Is this how others live? Do other people worry about these things, the things that rip me from a sound sleep at 3 a.m. and form shadows on the wall that the light of day can not erase?
Polite conversation is no place for such things. A curtain drops between me and the rest of the world. It tries to hide the danger. If it isn't spoken aloud, it doesn't exist. But, it does. I carry it around with me like a hungry cancer.