Blocked

Blocked.  That was the message I received when I tried to post on my web site.  Blocked seems to be the theme lately.

Heading back over to "In Just 10" I rediscover what "In Just 10" was about.  I'm ashamed to admit that I had completely forgotten.  Total blank.  It's time to get back to what I value and to take action to protect it and to increase the joy I am certain will follow by being more attentive to those things that truly matter to me.  It requires effort.  I wonder if I have the energy.

I'm off course.  The wrong things are capturing my attention.  Ideas for op/ed pieces roar through my head like hungry lions.

As I try to shake off the mantle of negative energy, I realize that underneath my frustration and anger lies a deep and profound loneliness.  No one is more surprised than I to discover it there.

I am desperate to feel useful, essential, connected.  Instead I feel a profound disconnect at the deepest level.  Maybe this is the nature of grief.  Maybe, it is an essential component of change.  What ever it's purpose, cause or function,  I walk with it now.

My life is rapidly reduced to its basic elements so that I may rebuild again but the process is exquisitely painful and isolating.  Reality does have teeth and they are sharp.

I grieve under a great burden, the brokenness and the confusion follows me like a love sick puppy. Insight comes and goes with a brutal randomness.  Is this how others live?  Do other people worry about these things, the things that rip me from a sound sleep at 3 a.m. and form shadows on the wall that the light of day can not erase?

Polite conversation is no place for such things.   A curtain drops between me and the rest of the world.   It tries to hide the danger.  If it isn't spoken aloud, it doesn't exist.  But,  it does.  I carry it around with me like a hungry cancer.