Storm

A lovely and exciting little squall of a storm blew in yesterday.  It arrived with a surprising fury.  Watching it from inside the house was fun.  Being out in it would not have been.  This desire to be safe from the storm dominated the weekend.

On Saturday, I took several eager children to the main library.  When it came time to leave, a suddenly teary little boy told me he had something to tell me.  He started to cry when he relayed that he'd seen a man looking at inappropriate sites on the internet.  I could see it was necessary for me to remain calm but that this needed to be reported.  I told Andrew to come with me and we intercepted one of the libary staff.  I told her what had happened.  One look at my son and she could see how disturbing it was to him. She hurried over the to computer bank to investigate.   I just wished I could erase the image from his mind.  Not being able to do so made me feel rather helpless.  We all have loved the library.  Now, it's painfully obvious that we need to remain vigilant and aware in a place that had only positive feelings associated with it. 

I also knew that there was more to his reaction that what he had just seen.  I waited until the next day to talk with him about it.  I tried to explain that sex itself was good and why.  I also tried to explain how easily something good can be twisted into something else.  He told me,
"I don't think I'll ever get married or live with someone.  It's too much work.  I don't want to be hurt.  I'd rather be single and have a nice golden retriever for a companion."
I reassured him that he may change his mind as he gets older.  Inside, I'm not so sure.  In many ways, his new disclosure was worse than the library incident.  I had to question what really formed the basis of his belief.  I didn't want to look at what his parents might be modeling.

His father and I don't have a perfect relationship but we really don't fight often.  When we do it can be quite the storm.  We're both oldest children.  We like to take charge.  There is a "right" way to do things and the other way is often wrong.   We do our best to compromise and dance the elaborate dance of give and take but once in a while, when the stars are aligned just so, we clash like a couple of thundering Titans.  Our children occasionally witness pieces of this conflict.  These incidents are rather rare but even so, I can't help but wonder how my son understands our relationship.  I reassured him that despite our faults we love each other and we love our children.  It's hard to explain that one's parents aren't perfect to a child not ready to really see that.

While our sunny daughter acts as if "all is right with the world" almost all the time, our son is a different story.  He has a fragility and innocence that is not common in many ten-year-old boys.  He perceives storms everywhere.  He is afraid of many things.  He looks at life and often sees the worst case scenario.  This morning he refused to go to school.  Reminding him of the penalties of not doing so finally got him out the door.  I doubt it's going to be a good day for him and anyone near him.  I'll have to deal with the fall-out later, the notes from the teachers, the possible phone calls, the negative reports.

Words can not describe the love I have for both my children.  They also fail to describe how difficult it can be to effectively parent a child like my son.  His perception is usually his own worst enemy.  How do I prepare this child to cope with the world?  How do support and guide him without protecting him too much?  How do I show him how to respond to life's challenges by making my own best choices? 

I struggle to do what sometimes seems almost impossible.  I try to model good coping skills.  I try and look for the positive.  Dwelling on what we don't have is a luxury, I can't afford.  Some days, I feel like I'm desparately running around putting out fires.  There is little time to anticipate and prepare for the next fire.

At times, like these, I need my life to be touched with faith.  Hope and love must surely follow, if I can only believe that like all the other's "this storm too shall pass."  Maybe this believe is the best attitude to model for this young boy.  Sometimes life blows up in a storm of confusion and despair but the storms always come to an end.  There are bright days with warm sun and happy experiences waiting for us.  We just have to keep walking toward them, believing they are out there past the storm.