Abundance

I left for my Just 10 walk this morning with some heavy baggage.    I was pulling two heavy psychic suitcases.  One was filled with worry over the lack of money in our lives.  The second, almost heavier burden, the lack of patience.  I took off down the sidewalk like a woman pursued.  The train to the land of "What If" and "If Only" had picked me up and I was headed there at break neck speed.  I walk faster.

I tell myself to focus on the word "abundance."  The pessimist inside me scoffs and says,  "Yah, right.  Like that's going to help."  I pick up more speed.  My shins start to ache.  I want to get off the train to crazy town.  I'm having a hard time finding out just how to disembark.

I decide to take a leap and jump.  I look up to see a Monarch butterfly fluttering over Oregon grape. Bushes heavy with dusty royal blue berries.  A chickadee chirps a warning.  A lone sweet pea vine punctuates the landscape with vivid magenta flowers.   I think of the reclusive Emily Dickinson.  "God's in his heaven.  All's right with the world."  If only that felt true to me now. 

Thoughts turn to the lilies of the field, those "that neither toil or sow." Yet, they receive all they need.  Might I be a lily for a while?   Maybe in my next life?  Today, I'm not enjoying being a human in temporal time with a significant cash flow problem.  It looks like I might be climbing back aboard that crazy train.

"Think, abundance.   Focus on all you have, not on what you don't."  I try.  Gosh, this is hard this morning.  I pick up the pace and decide to focus on my breathing.  The train roars on with out me.  I stop trying to block my feelings.  I let them go and walk on.  Slowly, they leave me.  I imagine a black pall lifting from me.  I can hear the "what ifs" and "if onlys" and then let them go.  I know they'll be back.  I am hopelessly human, after all.  It is possible to possess two opposite truths at once,  to know abundance and great scarcity,  to have everything and yet want everything you don't possess.

As illogical as that sounds, it gives me some peace this morning.   I return, thirsty, sweaty and calmer.  The mornings irritations that I was so eager to escape when I left for this walk, no longer really matter.  I have it all but am always looking for more.  I know this to be the heart of abundance for us humans.  For a moment, I let myself feel and enjoy it.  Scarcity will have to wait.