Days of Discontent

Truth is, I'm not always floating on a "happy bubble."  The last few days have seen my mantle of contentment slip.  I'm worried and generally unhappy.  I know that this too shall pass and that feelings aren't reality.  This has been a very hard lesson to learn, that of discovering how to honor and pay attention to feelings without let them ruin my life.  So today, during my Just 10, I walked with my less than happy feelings to learn what they have to tell me.

Yesterday, I felt really disappointed.  At first, I was disappointed in my daughter.  The once straight-A student had ended the year with a few C's.  I strongly expressed my frustration and demanded to know what had happened.  I could see she was upset for disappointing  me but that she really didn't care about the grade.  This pushed a button for me.   Fortunately, I knew enough to give myself a time out.  I took a break and thought about why this was so upsetting.

I wanted her to be a straight-A student so that she stands a better chance of getting into a good college, especially given the fact that we won't be able to pay for her tuition.  I wanted her to have something to fall back on, some source of validation for being bright.  I soon realized that while I had a few good intentions, I really wanted her to have good grades for my sake more than for hers.  This was an unpleasant fact to discover.  I was no longer really disappointed in her as much as I was disappointed in myself.

I hadn't been checking her grades on line.  If I had, I would have seen her uneven test performance, her failure to turn in several assignments.  I would have know that she gets A's and B's with occasional C's and even an F or two.  I would have seen that the potential is there but follow-through and perseverance needs some assistance.

I returned to her room, leaving my anger behind.  I told her that it isn't the fact that she got a C- as an ending grade in math, it was that she wasn't consistent about following through.  She didn't always turn in her assignments and she didn't ask for help when she needed it.  I said I wasn't as mad at her as I was at myself for not being more attentive as to how she was really doing.  She quickly, responded by acknowledging her responsibility for not doing her best.  Next fall, I will also have to improve on my consistency and follow-through and pay greater attention to her school work.

For me, it's so much more than the C- in math.  I, who has major math anxiety, was always handicapped by my grades in math.  I don't want that for my daughter.  I was always so self driven.  I don't think my parents really cared how I did in school.  They were always so preoccupied with the struggle to make ends meet.    Have I neglected my daughter's education for the same reason?

Most of all,  I am displeased with the quality of my children's education in the public schools.  They've had good teachers.  I fault the curriculum and the "dumbing it down for the masses" that occurs when you have a large number of students who come from homes in which an education is not valued.    What I want most, is to homeschool my children.  As long as the need to provide for their basic needs takes precedence,  I must hold down a job.   I can't do what I really want to do.  Inside, I constantly struggle with this reality.

My work at the high school has uncovered some frightening facts.  I meet students who can't figure out how to use a telephone to dial their parents.  I meet students who don't know their home address.  I listen to many bright students complain about how bored they are.  I talk to teenagers who have spent an entire year in school and not have earned a single credit.  I often see bright kids going nowhere or worse, going some where to rendevous with trouble.

I want something more for these kids and for my own.  I want them to be curious about the world around them.  I want them to learn how to find the answers for themselves.  I want them to be critical thinkers.  I want them to feel excited about learning and developing their skills and talents.  I want someone to open the door and turn the light on.  The world is depending on this future generation and we are failing so many of them.  We have become complacent.  We have abdicated our responsibility.  We haven't been paying attention.

In exactly the same way, I failed my own daughter.  It's not to late to open the door.  It's time to pay attention and to follow through.