Just Breathe

 The other day I borrrowed the phrase "shame spiral" to describe how I felt.  Al Franken's, Stewart Smalley character on SNL used to say it.    He also said, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog-gone-it people like me!"  I loved that character.  Stewart tried so hard to overcome his less than healthy tendencies but somehow usually ended up feeling inadequate.  He'd often go on a food binge, check into a motel and call his OA sponsor to confess eating a box of Twinkies or a bag of Oreos.  Such self-defeating behaviors were evident of a "shame spiral."

So, when I bolted out the door this morning, hurrying to work.  I found myself out of breath very quickly.  I realized I was holding my breath and failing to breathe.  Hard to believe, but true.  I've been "holding my breath" metaphorically, as I wait for the full impact of not having sufficient income to make ends meet.    Do you know how hard it is to walk and hold your breath at the same time?  It's equally hard to live the appearance of a normal life when you live way below the federal poverty line.  In this mindstorm, I remembered Stewart Smalley. Despite his knowledge and good intentions, he still indulged his neurotic tendencies from time to time and felt the impact of the now-classic shame spiral.  I've been in a shame spiral and I've forgotten how to breathe.

Humor has been a good coping mechanism for me.  In remembering Stewart Smalley and how silly and yet endearing he was, I found part of myself, a part I was able to love.  I've been so frustrated with my inactivity.  My to-do list is a whole lot bigger than I am.   I haven't been very good about taking Just 10 with my family these last few weeks.  I've felt overwhelmed and I want to hide in a bag of potato chips or a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.  Not good choices, not healthy choices but choices that aren't uncommon which is exactly what makes Stewart Smalley funny to me.  I know him.  I see him in others and I see him in myself.

Stewart had to constantly remind himself of his own value, his own worth and so do I.  Today, I had to remind myself to breathe.    Focus on your breath has new meaning to me.  I see how easy it is to overlook the most essential.  I see how important it is to tend to one's own needs first.  I see how difficult we can make the simplest of things.  I caught a glimpse of why the root words for breathe and spirit are forever linked.

As I thought more of relaxing and taking things one moment at a time, I forgot all about breathing and in the forgetting the breathing came naturally.   My psyche has been tensing up and expecting the worst.  All that tension diminishes my inner resources.   I need to do what I can and let go.  After all, "I'm good enough, smart enough and dog-gone it people like me!"  Just breathe.