My mind is always subject to change as it struggles to follow my heart.
Neglecting Just 10 has become the norm. Recently, it was obvious that I was avoiding contact and introspection. I was struggling with this issue when I suddenly realized that I was deliberating generating a lot of self-perpetuating negative energy. I was sitting dead center in my own private pity party. This pity party had "evasion" written all over it.
Putting problems outside myself had been a way to escape them. Standing in the open, blinking at reality, I trembled in fear. It was time to say hello to what I was feeling. Self-awareness wasn't through with me. I replayed an impassioned speech I'd recently given another in the heat of an argument. The realization that my words were meant more for myself than the one I was addressing slapped me in the head with a vengeance. I'd displaced my problems and fears. They had suddenly come home to roost.
At first, I wanted to hack away at my self esteem wielding a mental machete but I couldn't allow that. Mental machetes hurt. They do not help. Besides, it would only be a symptom of the problem it was trying to hide. Yet, I also knew that I couldn't coddle and protect my inner self either. It was time to face life without the defenses. I had criticized another for allowing a negative attitude to become an excuse for not trying. Denial blinded me. I'd given up. I just didn't know that I had. Most of all, I had criticized another for "not seizing the life he'd been given." What I was doing was worse. I was pretending to seize my life while waiting to be rescued from it.
This was a lot to accept. A flood of emotion swept through me. It carried me through the day and into sleep. There on a sea of dreams I floated like a sailboat without a sail. The captain had jumped overboard. I was going nowhere.
While I lay in my sail-less, captain-less boat, I starred at a cloudless sky. Life was passing me by. It lie just below me. I was only skimming the surface. Reminding myself that life is not for the faint of heart, I shook hands with my fear. Acknowledging it was long past due. Fear had gotten out of control. It was getting in the way. I was experiencing a growing panic that often took my breath away. It had a vice-like grip around my heart. It was time we sat down for a talk.
"Hello, Fear. I'm sorry I haven't noticed you. I am noticing you now."
Fear hissed, "It's about time."
Fear sounded a lot like Voldemort. Fears drama made me angry.
"Ok, cut the crap. You don't need to get all dramatic on me. You're just a soft, timid chicken. We both know it."
Fear doesn't look me in the eye. I know it feels ashamed.
"You've got me," it says.
I continue in a softer voice. "Look, you're really messing me up. I can't think clearly because of you. You're making everything harder than it has to be. You've got to stop scaring me."
Fear looks up. It's soulful eyes touch the deepest part of me. "I'm lonely," it says.
I open my arms and fear crawls in my lap. Fear smells steely and cold. Its skin has a pallid, mortuary hue. I pity it but can't make myself embrace it. It sits rigid and still. It catches its breath as it stifles a sob. I want to cry with it.
"We need to start out slowly, get used to each other," I say.
Fear sighs with relief. Softly, it speaks, "Yes. I would like that very much. I just want to be noticed."
I pat the top of fear's head. It is much smaller than I am.
After our talk, the panic that I feel eased. I could see that I needed to be more honest with myself. It was time to acknowledge what I could do with the life I've been given. I've been ignoring it in favor of the life I wished I had. This "wished for" life can never be. It was time to go home and put a candle in the window and stop cursing the darkness. Fear walks beside me. We're getting to know each other. Maybe we'll even be friends some day.
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