Despite being mentally committed to giving each family member Just 10 each day, I've had a really hard time crawling out of my own head long enough to give them the time. I took off on my Just 10 walk pondering the why's of this and hoping to uncover a plan of action to repair what I feel is lacking.
I look up and spot a neighbor unloading groceries from his car. Oh, I so hope he doesn't want to talk. He is a nice man, full of desire to bring the Lord to others. I'm not looking for a conversion experience or even tales of one this morning. He seems not to recognize me and he is busy repeating something to his wife who seems especially hard of hearing. Ah, back to brooding in silence.
My thoughts keep returning to the neighbor. I envy the neighbor's spiritual simplicity, his single minded, self-appointed mission to bring the Lord to others. I am also filled with judgment at what I believe to be naivete. Envy and disdain, all at once. I scold myself for not being a nicer person and then quickly come to my defense and argue for being a critical thinker. I am a soul, divided.
The steps fly by. I'm on the trail, walking quickly, headed nowhere. I meet other walkers. Three of them have hand and ear connected to cell phones. Three are wired for sound, music leaking from their heads. They are not easy to greet, especially those hooked to the phone. I am irritated that I can't make eye contact and smile a hello. They'll miss my dimples. Is it really all about me this morning? I answer, softly, to myself, "Yes, yes it is."
I have lost perspective. I inhabit the safe, yet lonely universe of ME. I seek distraction. I overhear a fellow, phone-head walker, say to the unfortunate person on the other end of the call that she has "reached the intersection and is now heading toward 117th." We've developed the ability to communicate more efficiently, then ever before and we're talking about where we are at that moment or calling home to find out which can of soup to buy. Something seems so wrong here. This "noise" is piercing my walk with unwelcome sound. What ever happened to really sharing ourselves with each other? Why haven't I been doing a very good job in that department? Why have I been avoiding my Just 10 time with the people I care about most? I keep walking, looking for answers.
I can't do this alone. I want to get God, the Force, my higher power, on speaker phone. I want a simple reassurance that everything will turn out all right. I want some hope. I want to look forward to the future, not dread what may lie ahead. There have been too many defeats, too many disappointments. I want a sign, the kind that my neighbor seems to be getting daily. It's a "me" kind of morning.
Suddenly, I hesitate, sigh deeply, and give myself permission to be me. Me, a prison and a temple, encasing a soul divided. "It is what it is." I am not my neighbor. I am not the cell phone talker walkers nor the walkers leaking noise out of their ears. Yet, I understand some of the same things that drive them, also drive me. They struggle to connect, to love, to keep hope alive, just like I do.
I keep walking.
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