Despite a few reports to the contrary, I'm the sanest person, I know. It took years to get here, to that place of enjoying the fact that I'm often more than a little nuts. A few almost supernatural occurrences reinforcing my inner voice's good sense didn't hurt. It's ironic that the basis for this confidence is the acceptance of all my crazy parts but that is exactly where my sanity rests.
During the last few months, I am occasionally surprised to hear my inner voice say, "Trust yourself." Sadly, my first instinct is to argue with that voice. The good news is that I know that's the crazy part of me arguing. I step back and let the volleys between the two sides begin. They fight it out with me as a spectator. The spectator is the sane part. When I step into the battle I start to lose it. When I remain detached, interested in the outcome, fascinated by what's exposed on the inner battlefield, I'm in my sanest place.
So let's get down and dirty with a real life example, ripped from the pages of my day. First day of school for all of us: Two return rather reluctantly as students. I return as employee (and life student). One has to get the kids out the door in the morning and then find a way to fill his day. We've all experienced a radical change in schedule. Our day is largely controlled by forces outside us. There is some necessary attitude adjustment on everyone's part and such adjustments don't come easy.
Returning home, I'm tired, physically and mentally. I'm soon joined by tired children, a dog that can't figure out where everyone has spent the day, and a husband that seems to feel a bit left out. Within hours, I want to be a single lady. The dog won't stop begging. My son seems to have developed hives and won't stop fussing and Big Mr. A seems more argumentative than usual. Initially, I just want to snap back at all of them. I indulge that part briefly, with less than positive consequences. Then in a flash of crazy inspiration I start to hear good ole Rudyard Kipling:
IF.....
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
This wacky brain flash helped save my day. I'm not interested in being a Man, or a son, by the way, but you get the drift. As long as I was trapped in my own head and my own fatigue, things were heading downhill fast. When Rudyard's poem entered the center ring of my mental circus, it was my salvation. This is where having a crazy three-ringed circus of a mind is actually a huge benefit. It's making connections and seeing patterns in ways that help lift me out of my limited and often grumpy self. I start to hear "If" in my head and I'm off in India with Riki Tiki Tavi or Mowgli. Even though Rudyard never made it to my top 100 favorite authors, he shows up today and helps me out. Thanks, old chap.
As long as I stayed trapped in my own limited perspective, I was not at peace. I had to let loose the fetters on my imagination to be inspired. I had to detach from all the "stuff" happening around and within me to gain perspective. I had to be a spectator before I could reenter the arena with a better chance of survival. This is a delicious madness. May tomorrow be touched by more of the same. Right now, I'm going to sit down and give my family some much needed Just 10. I see how much they need it.
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