This endeavor is motivated by pure "cussedness" on my part. Somehow striving to maintain a positive and happy disposition in light of the current circumstances seems a satisfying form of revenge. As I wave the "one finger salute" at the unfortunate circumstances, I can laugh manically. Not a very pretty picture, I'm afraid and sadly, not always personally satisfying. In those quiet hours, at the end of the day, when I rerun the events and feelings from the day that lies behind me, I am often filled with a quiet melancholy. Time is slipping away. Have I been all I could be in the day that I'll never have again? The answer is often a sad, "no".
These were my thoughts this morning. This is what I took into my day. I spent the day chasing happiness. To say that it was challenging is a gross understatement. Now that I'm sitting in the evening and looking forward to a few hours of zoning out in front of the television, I want to forget about most of my day. Working inside the classrooms has left me so disenchanted with our public education system. I come home to find letters telling me that both my children have not passed all the state mandated tests. I understand why my son does not. Honestly, I don't care. He is not wired to be a test taker at this stage of the game. I tell him to do his best. But my daughter? It's a mystery.
So, I log on line to check on my daughter's grades. Wow, she received an F in a class because she was absent 3 days. I call her over. She tells me that she has done some makeup work but that the teacher's policy is if you miss something and make it up the best you can get is a C. I send a couple of e-mails. I know that they can see her attendance since she was in kindergarten. She misses very little school. She gets the flu and her grade suffers because why? During my frustration with what I don't understand, I realize that as a parent, I should be able to see just what this state-mandated test has in it.
I discover that of course, I can see sample questions but the test itself is top-secret. We don't want to risk cheating yet, educators spend a lot of time and energy preparing students for this test? Isn't this a form of cheating? Shouldn't this test evaluate the overall effectiveness of our current educational system? If we encourage teachers to prepare children to take the test, than aren't we artificially affecting the test's outcome?
I know it comes down to simple dollars and sense. Federal education dollars are dependent on these tests scores. Education, real education seems to be the ultimate loser. We might educate better test takers but are we nurturing better thinkers or creative problem solvers? Are we providing an environment conducive to artistic expression? We give these same tests to our Aspergers and total "think-outside-the-box" kids and wonder why they don't give the correct answer. From what I see of the sample questions, the correct answer leaves the door wide open for debate. It's highly subjective to me. Some of the language is confusing. I wonder if I could pass these lovely tests. I worry that instead of encouraging innovative thinking, exploration and art, we're teaching our children to become dumb sheep.
So, on this Friday, the chase for happiness continues. Unfortunately, there is a major thorn in my side that is making the chase especially difficult. Today's thorn may look better than some of the other thorns along the way but it's a thorn all the same. I can wax poetic on the faults in the system but it doesn't change a thing. All the rhetoric doesn't take me one millimeter closer to happiness. I can get lost in my frustration and fail to see the solution. If my children aren't getting the education I want them to have, it's up to me to supplement it. There is the rub. Where do I begin? Where do I find the time, the energy, the resources?
The chase for happiness could die here, crushed under a mountain of textbooks and test scores. Again, the image of the one-finger salute crawls across my brain. Still, not pretty, but this time it does make me smile. I can whine forever about the problem and make myself miserable or I can take small steps toward the liberation of my spirit. A spirit that loves to learn, a spirit that is learning despite efforts to the contrary. Hey,mediocrity, status quo, bare minimum, you're coming down. See my salute and weep. I see happiness on the horizon, beyond hours of hard work, self-doubt and just wanting to quit. Wait for me. I'm right behind you.
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