Friday was a very hard day for me. I'd been hopping down my own bunny trail, one that's full of branches, dog poop and peril, when a big hole opened up before me. Unlike Alice, no fun awaited me at the bottom.
The second student at my new high school died this week. This girl, I knew. I continue to struggle to get through to the student's I'm assigned to help. I also prepare for life without a home and am considering membership in the city health club to guarantee a place for showering, etc, if we have to live in our van for a while. So when other people in need don't find me helpful or as available as they might like, it's not entirely you. I've got "liver and onions on my plate and I'm trying to choke it down with a smile on." I am not unaware of others pain. Many people near and dear to my heart are having a hard time too. I dedicate today's post to you.
"This goes out to the one(s) I love." You may not feel my love but it is there. You, who sit in the dark are not forgotten. Lately, my human frailties may have failed you. You may think I don't really care or that I'm indifferent to your struggles. Nothing could be further from the truth. There was a time when I sat with you in the dark and cooed gentle reassurances in your ear. The darkness remained. You sit in it still. Now, you hear me say, "You need to start climbing out on your own." Your rage licks at my heels as I climb out of the darkness just ahead of you.
Do not forget that I know this darkness well. As I walked on the path today, devoting today's Just 10 to your intentions, I realized that the path behind me has been riddled with dark canyons not so different from the one you find yourself in now. For me, the path ahead will also be full of these "pools of darkness."
The Darkness is an old companion. I have often sat at the bottom in the pitch black darkness and waited for rescue, someone or something to reach down and pull me up. Many times, hands did appear, spotlighted by a sudden light. They remained open, in the light, for a little while. If I didn't reach up toward them, I'd be sitting there still. What you mistake as callous indifference to your suffering, is not what it seems. I'm climbing just ahead of you. I can't take your full weight and make it out on my own. You must make the first movements toward your own redemption. I can not make them for you. I would, if I could.
Each of us has their own brand of misery, our own demons in the dark. These demons can kill us if we don't learn to dance with them. Each of us must make the effort to climb out of the pit. I'll be just ahead of you, cheering you on. I'll never say, "It's okay to give up" or "I'll carry you." Those actions are not within my finite human powers.
I know the darkness and the demons better than you can imagine. The only way out is through. You may not believe me when I tell you that the darkness has shown me my real worth. That sitting at the bottom of the pit, alone, an unmistakable conviction took residence in my soul. It is simply this: You may feel worthless, unappreciated, inadequate, a total waste of human life but feelings do not make it so. You have the spark of incredible potential, of unimaginable value within you. Depression tries to rob this from you but it can not. This value lies within and outside of you. Even when you feel it least, you must make an effort to move toward the light and your own redemption. Light and love waits for you but you must begin the climb on your own.
Darkness is an old friend. I will sometimes fail you. Even when I want to I can not carry you. You must take the first steps. I'm one step ahead of you in the darkness. I'll wait for you at the top. Please join me there. I promise you the view is incredible. Trust me, the climb is worth it.
Without some times of darkness, we wouldn't appreciate the light. There has to be opposition for us to understand each side. Hang in there. The light will come.
ReplyDelete