Regrouping

Since I haven’t even mentioned the Just 10 project in days and the title of this blog is Just 10, it seemed like a good time to regroup and refresh my devotion to the cause.

Including an autobiographical account seems outside this blogs mission statement.  To those of you eager to read more about the convent years, you won’t be disappointed.  I’ve got a lot more to tell.  Still, I do have to concern myself with straying too far from the focus of the Just 10 blog.  The connection between Just 10 and my seeming need to deviate from the  blogs main purpose were at war inside me.  I felt off track and that was troubling. 

There had to be a connection somewhere deep within my convoluted psyche but it wasn’t making itself apparent.  I was thinking about this as we sat down to dinner yesterday.  We celebrated Thanksgiving at Grandmas and then enjoyed our own private family feast on Sunday.  Since I’d spent several hours  preparing for this feast, I wanted to linger over dinner conversation.  Suddenly, between bites of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, sweet potato casserole and homemade dinner rolls, my daughter looks at me and asks, “Mom, why were you a nun?”

I was speechless which is a rather rare occurrence.  Neither of my children has ever asked me this before.  My daughter seeing my difficulty in answering quickly assumed I was uncomfortable with the question.  I had to assure her that I didn’t mind her asking, I just didn’t know how to answer that with a quick sentence or two.  I told her that I was working out the why’s of it in my blog and that she should stop by once in a while and read it.  
“Maybe” I said, “We’ll both find out the answer to that question while I’m writing it.”
Surprisingly, this answer seemed to satisfy her for the time being.  We went on to share the thing for which we were the most grateful.  Without hesitation and with genuine honesty, we each said, “Each other.”

There are times when our behavior may indicate otherwise.   Each of us can do a great job tuning the others out.  We often take each other for granted.  We can assume the worse about the others motives.  Sometimes, we even treat each other more like enemies than family.  Yet, when we each face the thing for which we feel the most grateful, without a doubt, we all say, “Each other.”

And so, apart from the ego massaging that blog writing can quickly dissolve into, my writing also leaves a record for my children, if and when they care to read it.  In sharing myself and my thoughts with them, they get a chance to know more about me. Apart from the age difference and the different job description that accompanies, “parent” and “child”  my sharing should help them see that ultimately, we’re just a small group of fallible human beings trying to learn from our mistakes and trying to be better people than we were yesterday. 

Growing up I was often frustrated that the adults in my world were never comfortable admitting they made a mistake.   Now as a parent, I appreciate that appearing vulnerable or weak especially in the heat of the moment isn’t a comfortable place to be.  Fortunately, I’ve never forgotten how important it is to admit your mistakes and to apologize especially if it’s necessary to admit and apologize to your child. 

Over the long four day weekend,  I had several opportunities to put this belief into action.  Saying, “I’m sorry” when I’ve been too harsh, over reacted or am just blatantly wrong has gotten easier.  My children need this display of humility and remorse.  If I expect it from them, then I’d better by doing a good job showing them how it’s done.

Yes, it looks like I’m getting off track again.  It may be a big leap, indulging my need to write and passing it off as “worthy” Just 10 blog entries but in a very real way, my honest “baring of my soul” is opening the door to my children, my friends and my family.  I offer myself, foibles and all to you in the hope that you can see how open my heart truly is underneath all the blustering opinions and self-doubt.  In that open heart, I invite you in.  You can be comfortable here.  I’m not interested in judging you.  In telling my stories, I am opening myself to hear yours.   Your stories are just as important as mine, probably more so.  It’s okay to tell them.  We’re all learning together.    This is the heart of Just 10 and what it means to share lives together.

Just 10 is about finding time to honor each person’s story.  It’s about finding time to show others that you value them through your behavior.  It’s about admitting mistakes and trying again and again especially when it’s difficult.  It’s about learning to love against all odds.  The same is true of my story.  To everything, there is a connection.