Something Evil

Warning:  After I wrote this I debated whether or not to post it.  It is rather dark.  Rereading it was a bit unsettling but this is what I felt and these were the words that came forth.  Bravely, I share again.

Something evil visited me yesterday.  It sat on my shoulder and whispered evil nothings into my ear.  We traveled together all day but I couldn't see it.   It ate at my soul like a vile cancer.  By evening, I was broken. Evil was winning even though it did not have a name.

I held it inside me as I went about my day.  It licked at my heart and mind with a lascivious hunger.  Once home, it dripped into my mouth and spat frustration at those I love most.  Inside, it had wrapped itself around my heart and soul like a python.  Love was lost in the constriction and so was I.  Still, evil did not have a name and I could not see it.  I wanted to lie down with this mystery and have it swallow me whole.

Time would not allow this nor would an eager young lady, alive with enthusiasm for her evening band concert.  My mind cast about for ways out.  Too much was at stake.  I sat in the van impatiently waiting to go on this undesired outing, hating the moment, dreading the string of moments to come.

I wore a face of stone as I waded through the bodies of noisy children and busy parents.  My face matched my heart as we found seats on the end of a row.  I wanted a clear shot at escape if it should prove necessary. I buried my nose in a book, a book about evil vampires.  It drained my weakened soul even further.  When the music began, it did not touch me.  Dead notes lay all around me.  I had become all that I hated, cold, numb, indifferent, drained of my life's blood.  I starred at the heads in front of me, feeling nothing. 

Just as quietly as the evil had come, the light crept up and sat down next to me.  Slowly, the notes began to pierce my evil armor.  Awareness flooded my mind.  At first, this awareness was a painful thing.  It told me why I was often so critical of others.  It made me see my insecurities for what they are.  I did not like what I saw.  I started to feel regret.  This regret heralded the beginning of my ascent from the darkness.   I was beginning to feel again and while unpleasant and painful, it was proof I was alive, proof that I cared, proof that somethings mattered to me.  Something evil was on the run.

When I was young, the devil was used as an ever present external force waiting to steal my soul and cloud the world's goodness.  Maybe the devil is less of an entity and more a personification of the absence of good/God.  Maybe the greatest danger to us doesn't lie without but within.  An evil within that is the absence of good is an evil that is a powerful threat.  It overtakes us unaware.  It numbs and blinds us to the glory that is also within us.  It destroys our belief in ourselves and that may one of the most diabolical attacks against our better nature.

In the end, this encounter with the absence of good made me more aware of how insidious evil can be.  I will be more wary the next time it comes to call