This project's goal is to give each family member and myself just 10 minutes of unconditional positive regard every day. All attention is focused on the other person for those 10 minutes and only positive comments or thoughts are allowed. Just 10 minutes often becomes much more. Try it and see. You'll find the Just 10 guidelines on the right side of this blog.







Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Incendiary Device

Wordy Wednesday.

The word for the day is incendiary.  Here's what Dictionary.com says:

in·cen·di·ar·y

[in-sen-dee-er-ee] Show IPA adjective, noun, plural -ar·ies.
adjective
1.
used or adapted for setting property on fire: incendiary bombs.
2.
of or pertaining to the criminal setting on fire of property.
3.
tending to arouse strife, sedition, etc.; inflammatory: incendiary speeches.
4.
tending to inflame the senses: an incendiary extravaganza of music and dance.
Last night, my son asked if this word describes a weapon or device that causes a fire.  I said, "Yes, it does."
This morning, I became such a device.
We've tried to working with an agency (NACA, approved by HUD) to negotiate with our mortgage holder.  The last communication with this agency has had us calling the evil entity also known as the bank.    I made a phone appointment to talk with this third-party agency.  I was the 15th caller on hold when the computer called me.  I waited for 40 minutes.  Finally, I reached a live person.  Well, I think she was alive.  I'm really not sure.  Here are a few examples of some of the things I said to her.
"I don't think you understand what I'm telling you."
"I'm going to explain this as clearly as I can.  I want you to listen without interrupting."
"I need you to let me finish what I'm saying."
"I can't send you what I don't have.  There is nothing more to send.  Look at your computer.  Look at the pages of what you have received.  What else is there that you need?
"Ok, I just want a yes or no answer.  I need a clear answer from you so I know what is expected."
"I'm getting really frustrated.  I get the feeling you don't have a clue as to what you are doing?"
"You seem to be contradicting yourself.  I need to know exactly what is missing and what you think you need."
You'd think I was talking to the bank.  (I think the word "bank" should be treated like the word, "Voldemort."  Good people every where can just call it "the-ones-who-can't-be named.") 
So much for hoping that this agency would be helpful.  
Lesson:  Always listen to what is said.  It really does matter even if you can't do anything.  You can always listen and be respectful. 
In the last several weeks, the tension has been building in my personal incendiary reservoir. 
When I went to the customer service desk to report a problem at Fred Meyers a couple of weeks ago, the manager's first comment to me was "Why did it take so long for you to report this?"
Starting with this sentence was not a good strategy.  Fire started to burn within me.
When I complained about the incompetence of the young cashier she said,
"You have to understand, he just came out of training.  They have to learn some how."
To which I replied,  "I understand being new.  What I'm upset about is that as a customer, I suffer the penalty of the cashier's lack of training.  Why do I have to absorb the cost? Isn't that Fred Meyer's responsibility?  Aren't you responsible for his training?"
Her eyes burned a hole in the middle of my chest.  She didn't like me and I did not like her.
"Well," she said.  "There is nothing I can do for you now.  You should have said something right then." 
Apparently, she was very eager to tell me what I should have done and should be doing.  There was way too much shoulding going on for me to feel good about our interaction.
Lesson:  Never put the someone on the defensive before you've heard their story. 
The following week, I needed something from JoAnns.  Fabric.  Fabric that must be cut.   There were no numbers sticking out of the "Take-a-Number" machine."  There were also no other customers waiting.  Three clerks walked by the cutting counter.  I tried to mention to the first one that there were no numbers in the machine.  She didn't hear me.  I tried to talk to the second clerk who passed by.  No response.  What was happening?  I wasn't invisible when I walked into the store.  Was I now?  Not one of them said, "Some one will be right with you."  That would have been really nice.  Now, I was afraid I was invisible and it didn't feel good but the worst was yet to come.
Finally, the only cloth cutter in the store was available.  No smile but a scowl greeted me.  I was afraid to smile at her.  What if I was going to be eaten?  I cautiously mentioned that there were no numbers in the "Take-a-Number machine.  She snapped at me like a crazed alligator.
"WELL!  YOU JUST HAVE TO LIFT IT UP AND PULL OUT THE NUMBERS WHEN THEY GET STUCK! IT'S THAT EEEEAAASY!!!   HOW MUCH OF THIS FABRIC DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED?"
I wanted to say,  "I must have missed the lesson on how to fix the "Take-a-number machine" but I was afraid she would lunge over the counter with her sharp pair of cloth scissors.
Obviously, speaking up wasn't going very well for me.  That didn't stop me from letting the "Sandwich Artist" at Subway know they'd mixed up the sandwiches.  I was ok with what I ended up with but was worried that the woman behind me might not be.   Unfortunately, I didn't really notice until the "Artist" had finished my sandwich and I was a bit timid about letting them know. 
I leaned over the counter and said very quietly,  "I'm so sorry I didn't notice this sooner.  The sandwiches got mixed up.  I'm ok what was made for me but I'm concerned that the other customer may be in for a surprise."
Immediately, the young lady behind the counter apologized.  "Can we make you a new sandwich?"
"No",  I said I'm really fine.  I just feel bad that I didn't notice earlier."
"Oh, no" she said. 
"It's entirely our fault.  Please let me give you chips and a drink on the house."
I really enjoyed my sandwich with chips and a drink.
I'm avoiding Fred Meyer and JoAnns.  They don't deserve any of my hard-won money.  But Subway. . Subway will see me again.
Lesson:  Sometimes being kind and considerate generates more goodwill than profit but that goodwill will come back to you as a very sound investment
For my peace of mind and sanity, I'm going to focus on how nice one young lady in Subway was.  Tomorrow, I'm going to find ways to "pay it forward."   Instead of staying incendiary, I'm banking on the kinder, gentler approach.  No fire to fight fire for me.  It's too easy to get burned.  Instead, I'm going to be cool and soothing.  We could all use more interactions like that. 
How wonderful it would be if we all woke up tomorrow morning and gave this a try.

1 comment:

  1. These are some great lessons learned. I am working really hard with my daughter to help her see other ways to react rather than blowing up. :)

    ReplyDelete