Thinking without action means nothing. Lately, I've been teetering on the edge of a new life. I can envision the person I want to be but somehow I'm not making any progress. My internal "tipping point" seems captured in a tomorrow I'm never quite able to reach. Needless to say, I'm not a bit happy with myself. I'm hoping to harness this discontent and use it to fuel some action.
At first, I wanted to share a list of goals and specific action plans. Sharing them didn't feel quite right. It seems to circle back into the "all-talk-little-or-no-action" problem.
Lately, I've had to really sit down with the part of me that fails to take action and find out what is going on. I haven't liked what I discovered. Despite all the talk and bravada part of me is still convinced it's "not worthy" of good things.
Rational me knows exactly why I feel this way. It has done a good job of trying to convince me that I left these feelings of unworthiness behind but they haven't been easily banished. They've remained just below my awareness. They've been hurting me.
To make it worse, lately, I've seen how these feelings are setting a poor example for my children who are of an extremely aware and observant age. They watch both parents very closely, looking for signs of weakness. It is age appropriate. It is to be expected. The problem is I'm not ready to settle for feeling unworthy. I don't like how it influences my daily life or how it limits my opportunities. I don't want to model these feelings and the self-sabotaging behaviors that result from these feelings.
Lately, this "granola girl" has decided to become a Mary Kay consultant. I know it may sound rather like a strange choice. You may think of Texas, big hair and pink cadillacs. It's really much more. I've discovered that despite how I usually appear I actually like looking feminine and dressing up. I'm actually interested in how to apply eye shadow not because it's expected but how much better I feel about myself, if I take a little time to pay attention to my appearance. Sadly, I've also discovered that for years, I have felt very unattractive. I do not like how I look or how much I weigh and I don't think I ever have. Even years ago, at a young 98 lbs, I hated how I looked. It's not about the makeup, it's about how I feel when I start to care about how I look.
This has been a difficult admission. The hardest part was admitting it to myself. I've used weight, feeling unattractive, feeling different, feeling special and feeling unworthy as a barrier between myself and others, between myself and the person I could become.
Banishing feelings of unworthiness or shame in one's appearance isn't easy, especially when one has carried them around so long. I have grown very tired of them especially now that I can see them for what they are. Excuses. I have been so determined to believe in my lack of worth, intellect, power, and attractiveness that I've framed most of my experiences in life to prove that I was right. I've allowed myself to become an overweight, plain, underachiever who secretly longs for so much more from life but is afraid to reach for it. Enough. I'm reaching. . . I'm reaching because I really am worth it.
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