I'm a Fun Mom and Don't You Forget It.

The Just 10 project is opening more than my mind.  It's also opening my heart.  I'm beginning to see and hear things that lead to feelings of warmth and love that have long lain asleep inside me.

Yesterday, our breakfast conversation gave me the opportunity to say, "I'm  a fun mom and don't you forget it" to both my children.  I said it with a mock threatening tone for humor.  Neither of my children found it ironic.  Straight-faced, my daughter looked at me and said, "You are a fun, mom.  I already know that."  My son chimed in and said, "Yes, you are."  I paused for a few seconds and then said, "Yes, I am aren't I?"  I couldn't deny it any longer.

Many days I have my doubts.  I'm not always fun.  I can be really grumpy and once in a while even mean.  I often feel very insecure as a parent, full of doubt about my choices or parenting style.  There are so many experts giving parents advice that I can get confused.   Someone always has an opinion on how to raise children and many freely share advice even when no one has asked.    Sometimes I'm full of advice for others.  Times like that I'm betraying my fear that I'm not good enough.  The truth is I am. 

 All the books in the world mean nothing on those days when you're deep in the trenches of parenthood and doubting your ability to be a good enough parent.  Or worse yet, those days when you know you've messed up and haven't made the best decision.   Kids don't come with instructions and even if they did, we probably couldn't figure out half of them.  That is the way it is.  It's part of being a parent.  The uncertainty, the self-doubt, the worry, the fear.  They are all part of the package when one signs up for the parent job.  The best and the worst job you'll ever have all at the same time.

It's messy.  I'll blow it again and again.  I'll doubt.  I'll  yell.  I'll cry.  I'll worry.  It's all part of the job.  I can't be a fun parent if I don't allow myself the room to mess up, to make mistakes and to feel the results of those mistakes.  It's part of being a parent in this flawed world of ours.  If I relax and give myself the freedom to make mistakes, my children can begin to see that it's ok for them to make mistakes too.  They'll see what really matters is that you pick yourself up and try again.  And, some day when they're grown with families of their own, they'll be talking around the breakfast table,  when one of their children says something simple yet true, that makes everything worthwhile.