Appearances Can Deceive

It's Saturday morning.  My husband and I both awoke about 6:30.  We listened to a quiet house and talked about the crazy dreams we had last night.  My husband's dream had him out in the yard, vacuuming the grass.  He broke the vacuum cleaner hose and I told him he'd have to fix it.  His answer was "Super Glue!"  Naturally, he had to go to the store to get it.  He gets to Fred Meyers and has to buy an iced coffee.  Heading for the Super Glue, sipping his coffee, he suddenly remembers he had some Super Glue in his tool box at home.  Sounds a lot like real life, if you ask me.

I suddenly and enthusiastically said,   "This is the perfect time for you to have 10 minutes of my unconditional positive regard."   Of course, this is a conversation stopper.  Sometimes you just can't come on that strong. He blinks in silence and then says, "Hmm,  I don't have anything to say."   I wait a few seconds and since I love to fill silence with words, I begin to chatter about the book I've been reading, what I plan to do today, etc.    He lays there smiling at me in silence, letting my words wash over him.

I pause for air and come to my senses.  I say to him, "This was suppose to be your time.  I'm supposed to listen to you."  He replies, "It has been my 10 minutes.  I'm enjoying listening to you."  Spoken like a true diplomat.  In this case, I also believe he was being entirely sincere.

On the surface these 10 minutes seemed to be all mine.  I was doing the talking.  I got up and started coffee. As I scooped coffee into the coffee maker, I realized that it was a good Just 10 for my husband.  It was a 10 minutes in which his talkative wife shared with him little details of her life.  That sharing allowed him to feel needed.  It let him enjoy my company.   It told him that I feel comfortable enough with him that I can chatter about the little details of life as we lie together on a Saturday morning.   

Just 10 isn't just listening.  It's purpose is to really share who we are with each other.  Not every conversation is about  important things.  Sharing the little things makes it easier to have the important conversations.  It establishes a connection, a pattern of communication.  It opens the door to those more important and often more difficult conversations.  Conversations that take us to a deeper, more intimate place.  We can not get to that deeper place if we haven't invested the time to talk to each other about the little things. 

The morning chatter about our silly dreams, my plans for the day, seems insignificant.  Yet, it was important.  Today's Just 10 was time well spent for both of us.


(This is one of the books I'm currently reading.  I shared bits and pieces of this book with my husband this morning.)